Mixed Emotions
by Sidnika
Summary: Shepard died when the Normandy SR-1 was blown to pieces, and yet there she is, shouting out orders and fighting mercenaries as if no time had passed. Joker isn't sure if he's feeling happy and relieved that she's back, or guilty for being the one responsible for her death. Rated M for language and possible smut in the future. The story is from Joker's POW.
1. Prologue

**Just a short prologue to get the story started, and please leave a review if you liked this little teaser as it will give me motivation to write more chapters faster :) And feel free to point out any errors you might find in the text as english isn't my first language. And as it says in the summary, the story is from Joker's POW unless it says** **otherwise at the start of the chapter.**

I'm not sure what to do. My feelings keep changing every other minute and I can't even watch any vids or read anything that could indicate what I _should_ be feeling, because there's no precedent for this. How often does the Commander you killed get resurrected? It just doesn't happen. Except for now, obviously.

Shepard's back, we have a new Normandy and I'm flying again. And I can't decide if I'm feeling happy or guilty. I'm happy about flying again - boy am I happy about that! And I love the ship (leather seats!), except for one small problem that I like to call The Thing. The AI that thinks it can do a better job than me, or maybe it wants to control that I do my job – I'm not sure and I really don't care. I just want the creepy thing gone.

Shepard is the tricky part. I thought that I was just relieved and happy that she's back, but it's not like she's never been gone. She was dead for two years and I think she has some problems wrapping her head around that. As well as she should, it's a huge fucking thing to have to deal with. But her being upset about it is actually one of the things that made me immediately calm after meeting 'the new her' and convinced me that she's not just some VI in a clone of Shepard's body, but the real thing. That was also made painfully clear the moment she saw me and rushed over to catch me in a bone-crushing hug, which is not a good idea when the person you're hugging has brittle bones, mind you.

Shepard insisted that we'd go to the Citadel right away when we got control of the new Normandy and while I didn't agree with the amount of trust she put in the Council, I made it happen without any snide comments at all. Of course, that one moment of decency robbed me of the opportunity to say "I told you so!" when the bureaucratic shitheads tried to convince Shepard that the reapers only existed in her head. If they had known Shepard at all they would have realized that them denying it would only make her angrier and more determined to put an end to it on her own, instead of giving up as they wanted her to do. From the camera feed from Jacob's helmet I could see how her knuckles turned white as she clenched her fists as hard as she could to keep her temper in control. When she spoke, however, – and accepted the lame offer of being reinstated as a Spectre in name only – her voice was steady and professional without betraying her emotions.

I would be lying if I said that I didn't get shivers watching Shepard being Shepard again after thinking she was gone forever for so long. And it also made me eager to leave the Citadel with all it's shitty politicians, rules and C-Sec behind and start our new lives as vigilantes saving the world. Or rather, Shepard would be saving the world, I was happy just flying my ship. Her ship, I mean.


	2. Chapter 1

Because of the Vrolik's syndrome it's always been difficult for me to move around, and even with the new upgrades that Cerberus has given me, it's not easy. It's a lot easier than before of course; I don't even have to use crutches anymore and Dr Chakwas assures me that I'll be able to walk without a limp in a few months if I keep doing my exercises. But a single misstep that leads to a fall can still break my fragile bones in more places than I care to imagine, which is why I involuntarily let out a very unmanly squeak when Kenneth walked right into me as I stepped out of the elevator. There was a moment of panic when I could feel my feet slip on the smooth floor before I felt a pair of hands steadying me.

"Whoa! Sorry Joker, you okay?"

Kenneth's scottish accent was thick with worry and I bit back an angry retort about his clumsiness that I know he didn't really deserve. Before I could come up with a good witty retort however, Shepard appeared. I'll never get used to how quiet she can move when she wants to.

"You're not breaking my pilot, are you engineer?"

Kenneth jumped and straightened up immediately and gave her a cheeky grin.

"Of course not Commander, just testing his balance!"

Shepard chuckled and walked past us towards the mess hall and Kenneth slapped me on the shoulder (wasn't he worried about breaking me just moments ago?) and walked into the elevator just as the door closed behind me.

Still a little shaken after almost having to spend another couple of days in the med bay, I shuffled over to the mess hall slower than usual to get my third cup of coffee for the day. Shepard was standing in front of the coffee maker with her hand outstretched and… not doing anything at all. I halted and tilted my head to stare at her properly to see if she was actually just standing there with her hand halfway to the machine like some broken robot or if she was doing some complex biotic thing that no-one but her and Miranda could understand. But I couldn't see anything happening at all.

"Is there a reason you're standing there imitating a statue, Commander?" I asked innocently and moved to stand by the counter as graceful as one can with leg bracers and a heavy limp.

She actually jumped and whirled around when I spoke to her and I didn't bother to hide the grin that spread across my face at finally spooking Shepard and getting some revenge for all the times she had snuck up on me and almost scared me to death. She stared at me with wide eyes - almost as if she'd never seen me before - and then she started laughing.

"Fuck, Joker, don't sneak up on me like that!"

"Sneak? Do I look like I'm even capable of sneaking, Commander? You were totally gone there. What were you doing?"

I tried to sound hurt by her accusation of sneaking but I couldn't help smirking at her. The ever-alert Commander Shepard got scared shitless by her limping pilot. Kenneth would laugh himself to death when he heard about it.

"I was just lost in thought." She shrugged and set out to make coffee. "Do you want some?"

I nodded and looked at her in silence as she put a new filter in and measured the amount of coffee to put in. Close up she looked exhausted. She had dark rings under her eyes and I could have sworn that the scars that criss-crossed her face had gotten worse since she woke up. Even her skin and hair seemed lifeless and she looked several years older than when we beat Sovereign, which made no sense at all since she was supposed to be brought back as she was only weeks after the battle of the Citadel.

Shepard looked up to find me watching her and she raised an eyebrow questioningly.

"What?"

 _You closely resemble a husk, Commander._ But that probably wouldn't be the best thing to say to a woman armed with a pot full of scalding hot coffee.

"You look like shit, Commander."

"Wow thanks, Joker. You sure know how to make a woman feel attractive." She rolled her eyes and picked up two cups from the cupboard.

"Compliments have never really been my thing."

"You don't say."

Her words were dripping with sarcasm and if I hadn't seen the small smile playing on her lips I might have thought that I'd gone too far. This Shepard could be more easily insulted than the last one, you never knew with women. But it felt good that I'd been able to make her smile and I couldn't help but push my luck a little.

"If it's compliments and hero worship you want, maybe you should speak to Conrad Verner instead. I'm sure he'll be happy to know you're alive."

The moment the words were out of my mouth I wanted to take them back. After the disastrous trip to the Citadel where no-one seemed happy to see Shepard alive - apart from Captain Bailey - the topic of her being brought back from the dead probably wasn't the best choice of conversation for small talk. I could see Shepard tense up and pause in the middle of pouring coffee into one of the cups and I silently cursed myself.

"Would he?"

Shepard seemed lost in thought again for a moment and I decided that it was a rhetorical question that she didn't expect me to answer. _Nice job, asshole. Maybe next time you can ask her how it felt to die or if it was fun seeing your entire squad taken out by thresher maws._

Shepard shook her head slightly and poured coffee into the remaining cup and offered it to me.

"Set a course for Omega, Joker. We need to fill out the team. I don't like having Cerberus's people watching my back when I'm on a mission."

"Sure thing, Commander."

She smiled slightly as she turned to leave and briefly put her hand on my shoulder in passing. I watched her walk away with a frown on my face. Sometimes I really wondered if I deserved to be here again, flying her ship, after all I'd done to her and kept doing to her. I really was an insensitive asshole.

I looked down at the warm coffee cup in my hand and carefully took a sip. Black and without any sugar, just the way I've always liked it.

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 **A really short chapter, I know, but I haven't written anything for a few months so I need to ease into it ;) I hope you liked it, and please leave a review if you did! And to bundles-of-joy who left a guest review on the last chapter: thank you so much for taking the time to write a review and I'm really happy that you liked it!**


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